My Toxic Mother Accidently Helped My Panic Attacks

When I was 20, I was robbed and assaulted (though unhurt) in the lobby of my apartment building in Boston. It made me super-vigilant of my surroundings and triggered the first of many panic attacks. My symptoms were mostly uncontrollable shivering and imagining things like having a collapsed lung and shingles on my face.

I grew up in a chaotic home with an emotionally abusive, alcoholic mother. She was the last person I would have expected to help me with my panic attacks, but she did (unintentionally). 

I was home one weekend. Late at night I had a bad panic attack. I had tightness in my chest. I was sure my lung was collapsing, and I was shaking so violently that I thought it would shatter my body. Desperate, I woke my mother up. My shaking and sobbing probably scared her, and she screamed, ‘Get control of yourself!’  It was as if she had thrown a bucket of freezing water on me. My shaking stopped immediately.

That’s when I realized that it was my thoughts and fears that were triggering my panic attacks and shaking.  My thoughts were expressing themselves in my body. If I could stop shaking as a result of a few words from my mother, that meant I had power over my thoughts and could control the panic attacks.

-Helen, 23